TEETH 4 TEETH

BY JUSTIN AKPOVI-ESADE
Sam Loco’s Alomo Bitters
VETERAN actor, Sam Loco, has kicked the smoking habit for almost two years now, and that is good news because at his age, Loco was reportedly smoking away his heart with a minimum of eight packs a day. He had also kicked beer habit, which reliable reports say he used to consume over a carton daily. Well, the not too good news is that Uncle Loco has switched over to another alcoholic beverage popularly called Alomo Bitters. Believed to be medicinal (a claim many have disputed), Uncle Loco practically drowns himself in the ‘medicinal’ concoction from Ghana. He takes along about seven mini bottles daily to location. How he manages to stay on his feet and play his movie roles is what researchers (possibly from the UK) will attempt to find out.
Verdict: At almost 70 years of age; Loco is a super human being!

Victor Osuagwu’s clean-shaven
RAN into the comedian, Victor Osuagwu, at O’jez on Tuesday night and I almost did not recognise him. His famous thick moustache was gone; he was looking confused like a fish out of water. He was the first to announce to T4T why he shaved his identity moustache. Victor just finished work on a movie, where he played as a woman, Victor a woman? With that belly? Dis Nollywood people no go kill us! Anyway, we are waiting for the movie to be released from Idumota Market. Can’t wait to see Victor as a woman, but another issue is that Victor that night was intentionally aiming to drown himself in stout. It was a wonder he drove home that night. Keep it up; at least you have an uncle in Sam Loco who is worthy of emulation. To God be the glory.

Chuma’s In Hospital
SECRETARY General of the Actors Guild of Nigeria, Chuma Onwudiwe, is in hospital. He checked himself in last week. To many of us, the news did not come as a surprise, what with all the wahala he’s been through recently. In case you are not in the know, AGN president Segun Arinze reportedly sacrificed Chuma and Lolo, his Secretary and Treasurer when the Board of Trustees pressured him to form Government of National Unity (GNU). Chuma who was just recovering from the hassles of the Port Harcourt election, could not take the fresh news of his ‘overthrow’. He took ill. But T4T in a telephone chat with the fiery comedy actor, promised to take the fight to the appropriate quarters as soon as he is back on his feet again.
This looks like another June 12 struggle and we all hope it doesn’t end like that.

Revealed, real reason Segun Arinze appears jittery
PRESIDENT of the Actors Guild of Nigeria, Segun Arinze, is caught in the middle as the popular saying goes. Recall I promised that I will be giving you real time update on the oncoming Armageddon in the actors’ body and from information gathered, the real reason Arinze ‘sold’ his secretary and treasurer to appease the Board of Trustees, is because Kanayo O. Kanayo, a strong contender to the AGN throne, recently went to the media to say Segun Arinze did not attend a University or its equivalent, one of the conditions of becoming the AGN president. Well, it is not in my position to say whether Segun went to school at all, but the news is that the Board of Trustees used that as a joker to make him fall into line. Segun is billed to come out publicly to deny the allegation and if you have a pensioner parent like I do, you will understand what the government subjects them to periodically — Operation Certificate Verification, that is what Uncle Sege wants to do shortly. So, to all newsmen, bring your tape recorder, your cameras and be ready to verify Sege’s certificates, when he brings them from the archives.

Charles Inojie’s waddling Style
COMEDY actor Charles Inojie now waddles instead of walking. This piece of news is authoritative. The movie director is so fat now, his face reminds of the famous Michelin man. Saw Charles waddling along Adenrian Ogunsanya Street, Surulere and I could not help but feel for him. His detractor claimed he has made some money recently as he seems to be directing and acting in most Nollywood movies. Advice to Charles: if you think by taking a walk instead of driving will bring down the fat, you should have a rethink, go to the stadium, which is a stone throw from your Adeniran Ogunsanya office.
Remember your left.

‘Travails’ Of The Ultimate Man
AROUND 5.30pm on Wednesday, November 18, T4T sighted the Gulder Ultimate Man 1V at Stadium Bus Stop. It was the Ford Explorer SUV with customised plate number GUS 1V that gave him away. He was sandwiched by three heavily armed policemen. T4T was curious, what informed the decision by policemen to crowd the man who made millions by living in the wild for 21 days in search of a mythical object lost by an ancient tribe? T4T parked his tuke tuke car and waited. The policemen as naturally knew who the guy was, they just wanted a share of his seven million naira (wey the poor boy go don almost eat finish sef). Minutes after, the bobo passed over something to the leader of the greedy policemen and they hailed him non-stop as he drove off. Bro, be careful how you dey dash police ‘sometin’, the day you no get to dash, you fit sleep cell.
A word is enough.
ogbuus@yahoo.com